I'm letting my short comings affect me.
For a fact, I'm extremely competitive and critical person.
And when I set my mind to do something, 
I usually return with results, until now.

I seemed to be failing on my standards.
And it's not that I've not been trying hard.
I've been working my ass off, and it's extremely
disappointing to know I have no benefits to reap at all.

I'm feeling extremely frustrated.
I mean, hard work used to pay off.
And now it keeps me reassessing, 
am I doing it right here?

There must definitely be a smarter way to work around it.
I keep trying to find the reason why,
I blame it on the cultural difference,
and my inability to comprehend better in social settings.

Maybe I'm really critical with myself,
Afterall it is already an extremely good opportunity to be what I'm doing right now.

I need to find back that drive, and not like failure deter me.
For sure I am disheartened, but deep down I cannot let me light die down.
Because if I stopped believing in myself, then there won't be anyone left to believe in me. 

These precious non-quantifiable snippets of encapsulation of thoughts, emotions and moments of time.
They shape us to how we think and perceive life in the present,
at the same time those that refuse to fade gives us glimmer of hope to hold onto something,
things that we know could never be recoverable or be made possible again.
Some brings tears of joy, brimming your heart with warmth and love that once captured our nativity and trust.
Mostly for me now, they are like broken records that an old man is desperately trying to fix to relive those moments once more.  

"There's a place that will stay within me,
wherever I may choose to go" 

Like in any other story you encounter,
there will always be a bad character that we love to hate.
Then there will be the epic hero that we all see part of ourselves within him,
upholding the righteous and justice in life.

But what depicts right or wrong?
And especially in our mundane story called life,
we have to face it, we will be living in this denial thinking that we're the heroes
in our own story, but did it ever come cross to yourself that there could be a possibility
that we are bad people at times too?

I know it sounds rather retarded to degrade yourself,
when it's your own story to depict.
But often in life, we always get carried away with our direction
and forget about what's actually happening around us.
Why are humans so secluded by their own vision and perspective of virtues?
Why do we always want to impose our beliefs onto others and make them think the same too?
Won't that just mean we aren't sure of it ourselves, that we need to convince people to convince ourselves? 

There can never be a righteous environment so long as we continue to impose our perspective of virtue.
So what's fairness in life?

"When there are troubles to go through,
we'll always find a way to start anew"

I realized I'm a person that reminisce the past a lot.
In life, that were filled with many wonderful moments.
Ideally, the best kept ones keeps resurfacing,
because those were the time I would treasure.
Some were moments that people would not even encounter in a lifetime.

Stuck in those time, like it was frozen.
Like a jammed recorder that keeps replaying the same scene.
And overtime, when you look back,
and ask yourself would you replay that scene better?
Or would you have done exactly the same thing?

I guess I would relive every moment of it in a heart beat.
And sometimes in life, I try not to get obsessed with
what's presented right in front of us and look into the best of the moment.
As I'm sure some time down the road, we will look back again,
reminiscing this very moment that we are in right now.

I don't know if you would call this regret.
And it amazes me some times when I read back the things I had posted before.
It's like revelations within revelations,
that ideas that we had discovered before and often in time forgets.

"It takes one to lost to learn to love.
So do we really live on regrets after another?"

*

A couple of days ago, I had an extremely warped dream.
I was in your arms, I was crying.
A melancholic tune of "wonderwall" was playing in the background.

"And all the roads we have to walk are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you
But I don't know how"

Deep down there is so much I want to say and ask.
But in the dream I did not mutter a word.
Because I really don't know how.
I just kept crying.

This overwhelming feeling of sadness just kept coming,
but at the same time in some weird sense I felt safe within your arms.
Like there's some form of comfort in the distance we have now for each other.
Then you reached out and kissed me.

*

I got up, like an alternate universe.
I thought I already had it all figured out and moved on.
And it's like a lingering voice that's telling you to go back,
there's something more to it. It was as though there is this
pathetic subconscious self that is still desperately holding on.
But in reality, this is all so pointless.
Nothing can be salvaged. Things have already resulted into such
scenario - inconsolable.

I wish I had more strength, more vitality and optimism in the
progress onwards about life. But I guess, this is one of the final
stages of the healing process, it's like after all the debris and
destruction had been cleaned up, you just take that moment to look back.
And flash back scenes of how it had all used to be before it was all destroyed.

It is kind of hard to imagine it had been almost close to a year that it all happened.
The devastation. It just felt so long ago, like it was buried in such a long past.
At the same time, I could remember scenes of how it ended like just yesterday.
And the jadedness and distraught aftermath.
Knowing that you no longer belong to someone or have something to hold onto.

I guess, regret does creeps up on me and my subconscious self every now and then,
but I have to acknowledge this part of me so that I'm able to one day subconsciously let go.

Reminiscing the days of falling in love.
The sweetness and tenderness, knowing that you felt
so wanted and important to someone.
The magic of knowing that you've met the one,
and you could think of no one to
give your vulnerable heart to.

Then your logical self will start asking,
is this a lasting treasure
Or just a moment's pleasure?
Will my heart be broken?
Will he still love me tomorrow?

Facing the melancholic truth,
no matter how beautiful one's love may be,
it can never last, and to experience it once more,
the risk of another broken heart is ensued..

So will you still love me tomorrow?

It's really amazing what these little droplets of liquid could do.
They could take away pain, bit by bit, like magic pills;
alleviating the pain deep inside our lonely hearts.

They could express joy, joys of love.
Overwhelming indescribable emotions.

There are days you just feel like the loneliest person on earth, despite being surrounded in a sea of people.

It's hard to explain, but why is it so hard to receive the attention from the people you want to be with?

How do you deal with it? Loneliness. Some people drink and share that same feeling with a stranger in a bar. Some party their nights away, while some stay at home and cry to forget old memories and to strengthen their broken heart. Some express their pain through ways they can find means to. This particular singer has done it, Colton Dixon, he sings his pain through his songs. His pain and struggle all can be felt in his voice, and it's called loneliness. Why do humans always have to yearn for acceptance? Why can't it be just so simple to independent and not bothered to have someone to rely on? Maybe just for tonight, sing us a song, you're the piano man, sings us a song tonight, well we're all in the mood for a melody And you got us feeling alright.

Humans - We all want to feel included.
At times, we want even more. Attention perhaps.
Definitely the right kind, from specific people.
What happens if we don't have them reciprocated? 

Does this makes us disposable because our attention
is at the expense of these people's convenience?
I loathed that idea, I always like to believe things should be mutual between two people.
And that includes the attention given, if one party is making it expandable to other priorities,
then he doesn't deserve mine as well.
It's strange how I always equate that to the amount of interest that party has for me.
It might not seem fair to judge it like this, but I guess this is the closest I can get
to measuring someone's interest.

Because if a guy is truly interested (usually at the beginning)
he would go to the end of the earth and pluck stars from the sky just for you.
and if he doesn't even express that interest right in the beginning,
you're better off searching for someone better,
no matter how much good quality he possess.

In my world of high expectations and dreams.
I always wish that someday, that special accident will happen.
And there will be that someone crazy enough for me,
as much as I do for him.

Let's put some more faith in ourselves.
We are not disposable things, no we are people with feelings.
And definitely not disposable at the expense of others if we need to be loved. 

It's one more week away to spring break.
And to be honest, initially I don't know what a big deal about Spring Break,
I mean it's just the 1 week Mar sch holiday in singapore.
But then, as you know it, for the angmos, any holiday is gonna be a HUGEcelebration and party.
So I admit I got hit by this SPRINGBREAK bug,
and I started this obsession of wanting to visit disneyworldtheme park.
Amazingly, met a fellow singaporean and his friends are planning a trip to florida.
Our timing worked out perfectly, so I'm uber anticipating the trip.

omg. catch some tan (SUN!!!), laze by the pool
(OMG you DONT KNOW how NYC DOESNT HAVE PUBLIC POOLS, WHICH ANNOYS ME)
and most importantly DISNEY LAND!!
it's been a dream since a young boy to go there.
and now it's finally coming true.
where magic really happens
mickey is the new ladygaga, erm ok that sounded wrong...
ANYWAY it's the kingdom where all the pretty princesses (and handsome princes) were born!!
I just cannot contain my excitement.
not gonna lower my expectations because I know it's gonna be a blast.
I know you get the picture, but I'm paying good money for this,
so least let me gush about it like a high sch girl.

so yea, it's just a week away.
which means there's still school next week.
and there's this fucking term test right before the MARNI sale.
as a dutiful student, i have like tonnes of shit to do.
haven't been productive for the past 2 days staying at home.
mind, heart, body and c(never mind)
all distracted.
blame it on the hormones,
and my lack of privacy. (it's not easy living with a room mate you see 24/7 everyday - i bet you don't even see your bf this often)

aiya. okaes. 
i should start my day,
before the gym closes.. zz